The 3 Golden Rules to Feedback

Your feedback puts others on the defensive or makes them resentful?

In fact, there are only two healthy reasons to give someone a feedback. You either wish to empower them / see them grow, or you wish to solve a problem where you feel that your needs were compromised.

Otherwise, most people fail to realize that they’re spiteful, angry, vengeful… And it comes out as blame, criticism, disparaging comments, passive aggressiveness, all in an attempt to make the other feel guilty and hurt their self-esteem.

So keep in mind that you’re not likely to be constructive if the situation that prompted you to give a feedback triggered a strong emotional response. Only then can you engage in the following:

1.      Make the feedback about the other’s behavior, not their personality - avoid “you”statements (“you’re annoying”)

2.      Be factual about the specific behaviors that you think are problematic

3.      Describe how these make you feel with an “I” statement (“I feel annoyed”)

“You’re annoying” is nothing like “I feel annoyed and not considered when you look at your phone while I talk to you”. “You’re always all over the place” doesn’t come close to “I felt lost upon reading your presentation, it contained 5 graphs with no comments and I couldn’t figure out what message you tried to convey.”

You may then encourage an answer with, “what do you think about it?”. The above helps people take accountability for their behaviors without becoming defensive. Once they do, you can then suggest the change you wish to see.

Turning from a tyrant to a coach is only a feedback away.